Heavy

I said that I would be honest and I haven’t been.

I’m struggling! This Lupus flare is taking me under. The pain associated with it is… unbearable.

This pandemic – My kid going to school unsafely – Me being high risk.

Having intense conversations with racists to encourage change.

It’s heavy! So very heavy.

I just want to cry and hide from everyone and everything.

BUT, I can’t! Hiding doesn’t help, pretending doesn’t help, It only makes it linger. So I go to rinse it out on my mat. I’m already setting myself up to fail, thinking I’m going to have a shitty practice. Thinking Mr. Lupus is going to make this practice a challenge.

And… it was a challenge. Yoga is meant to be a challenge, hence why I go. To strengthen and to build. To support my body and clear my mind of all this heaviness.

As I’m flowing, my mind reminds me that I am only one person and I do not need to take everything on.

Any small change is significant change. I truly only have to change the things that are in my grasp.

The pandemic ~ I can do my part and keep my family safe by following public health recommendations.

I can make my kids school aware that I am high risk and hopefully they will support us and my child with some added support. I can’t change my high risk status.

I can have multiple conversations about why black lives matter. I can post and I can protest but, I can’t change all racist views alone.

I can’t change the fact that I am sick. I didn’t get sick due to Karma or because I was a bad person in a another life. It just happened.

I can change how I let it affect me and I can use it to inspire others.

I can’t change the fact that some days I can handle complicated poses and some days I can’t. Today, I couldn’t lift myself in wheel pose even with the support from a yoga wheel. But, I can show up on my mat, even just to lay there for self care.

So yes… the world is heavy but, I can’t change that. This is the time for reflection. We need world unity to move forward in this but, we can’t take this on solely by ourselves.

I will keep doing my part by recognizing that these are heavy days.

I can only take one day at a time. I can encourage others to do the same.

I can be kind, while encouraging others to be the same.

I can prioritize self care, while encouraging others to do the same.

I can live anyway, while encouraging others to do the same.

Much Love 💕

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