A Lovely Damaged Flower

 

I’m damaged. From the time I realized my mother should have saved me from certain circumstances and didn’t … I was damaged goods. 

Trust is terrifying for me. For me to trust someone implicitly that’s comparable to the odds of winning the lottery.  One in a million.  

I try to trust as much as I can, but it’s hard when you’ve been taught not to.  Another Alymar trait is to trust no one and only rely on yourself.   This philosophy – no matter how negative, kept me out of the hood and alive.  This philosophy is the foundation of my resilience. 

Recently, I’ve been betrayed by several of those I trusted (in my way).  Firstly, I was betrayed by the love of my life. My heart and soul were on pause for  15 weeks. I thought I was broken. Many, including family members, barely knew.  I didn’t take time off of work. I didn’t take a break from yoga or from social activities.  I didn’t break down or stop living.  I continued with life and only when I had my week without my daughter did I allow myself to fall apart and grieve.  Not because I was strong, but because I am sick. 

 When your chronically ill,  your mental game needs to be on point, all of the time.  Mind over matter is the essence of your survival.   I can’t afford to relapse after years of working so hard on getting into remission. My family didn’t need me being hospitalized on top of our crisis.  It would have made the situation even more damaging, especially to my child. 

Secondly,  a few ride or die (well I thought they were ride or die relationships) friendships had to be terminated.   Everyone shows you who they are.  We either choose to listen and accept it, or we deny it and act victimized when we get burned.   I now choose to listen.  When someone shows me who they are the first time, I listen and make decisions in MY best interest.  I forgive them and have great gratitude for what they have brought to my life but I let them go.  My energy is needed to fight my daily battles not to be wasted on dramatic bullshit.  If you bring negative shit to my life, you’re out of it.  Harsh but necessary.  

I have always put others before me. Always! That’s the core of who I am.    Being chronically ill has changed that.  In order for me to be on this earth for as long as possible, I have to take care of me first so I can take care of others.  I have a child and I have an elderly mother, both who need me.  I have to make decisions based on how it will affect my body…. and possibly trigger Mr. Lupus and Ms. RA.   

They break me easily … With just a few bad days of a flare-up, I can lose all the anatomy normalcies  I pushed my body to fight for.  I can’t sacrifice my remission for anyone because, in the end, it will affect everyone I love.  

This year has been one of the toughest in my life.  The emotional anguish I have endured while feeling intense physical pain, at times I wished for death.  It would have been easier to die than suffering alone.  I really questioned the fight and whether it was all still worth it.  I contemplated letting the Lupus and RA take over my life.  Death appears to bring peace… but does it really? 

I was put on this earth to live and to love.  I owe it to my parents who fought so hard for my rights as a mulatto woman.  I owe it to the universe who gives me opportunities to explore my abilities.  I owe it to my child who looks at me like I am a gift.  

So all in all, I still believe in love and kindness.  I believe love is everlasting work and my purpose.  And even though I have let many loves go … I will always cherish them.  They may never understand my reasonings and for me, that is ok.   It’s hard to explain to another that any emotional drama has significant repercussions to my remission and I will walk away now where before I would engage and fight back.   No matter the relationship, the drama, the negativity, and the stress is not worth my quality of life. 

I’d rather love and cherish those I let go of from a distance than from the grave.  I’d rather be damaged then forever broken. I’d rather continue to live a life full of only a few fresh flowers then a field of fake ones. 

 Life is truly bittersweet.  The good comes with the bad.  It’s to push you, strengthen you and teach you even when we don’t want it.   So I choose to learn my lessons, continue to love and live anyway… on my terms.

 

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