Self Doubt

I have been fighting a lupus flare since February 2019. I think I’m getting ahead of it and wham! The flare gets stronger and takes me down. The last 4 weeks, I have been struggling physically and mentally because of it. I save all my energy for work, yoga and my child. I have nothing left to give every night after 730pm.

I rarely talk about this but I think it’s time. Being chronically ill affects your self esteem and confidence.

This flare has won. It has affected my self confidence to the point that I am afraid to try yoga poses that took me months to achieve. All out of fear. I’m afraid to do the wheel pose. I’m afraid to continue to practice chest stand. The fear comes from feeling weak. The fear comes from the thought of making an error, hurting myself, and causing an RA relapse.

But I stopped that shit today… I felt strong during practice today. I felt like I could take lupus as well as my fear on. So after practice, I went back to basics. Forearm and Hand stands against the wall. I decided to take a risk and walk closer to the wall on my forearms and hold my legs straight up in the air for a second.

Well, I accomplished it. I was able to set up closer to the wall, push off and hold for one second.

Then… I fell over. I have avoided falling over out of fear. If I hurt myself, I could screw up and cause a flair, even hospitalization. But I’ve always thought, what if I am stronger then what lupus leads me to believe. What if I fly?

Your body can withstand almost anything. It’s your mind you have to convince.

So yeah, I fell over. It was a safe fall. A perfect fall really and my confidence soared. I accomplished something and didn’t die. I accomplished getting over that fear. I didn’t allow lupus to lead me to self doubt. I found my strength within and lived anyway.

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