What doesn’t kill makes you stronger.
I forget this …often.
The festive holidays are wonderful in terms of the visits and food but it really kicks my ass for energy. I’m sure it kicks everyone’s ass for energy. The visiting, eating, laughing, eating, then doing it all over again the next day for several days and/or weeks is simply… fucking exhausting.
Mr. Lupus has also come to visit to create extra chaos. Autoimmune diseases are such Assholes… They appear unannounced during busy times and don’t leave until they feel like it.
I am soooooooooooooooo tired. All I have done in between visits and responsibilities is sleep. I haven’t practiced yoga in 2 weeks. I’ve done fuck all but sleep.
Today I felt bad about it.
As I was cleaning today ( I have no idea on how to take a break from that…I’m slightly OCD), I had a rush of guilt for not doing more.
My thoughts were….
” wtf have I done in 2 weeks but sleep and visit people? I’m such a lazy ass. What kinda of mother am I ? All we did was watch movies. We barely left the house in between plans. What kind of role model am I ?”
But then the rational counsellor in me started to chime in ….
“Umm excuse me … you slept in order to heal yourself… you are in a flare. If you don’t control your flare you could relapse. Then where wound you be ? You visited everyone important in your life. You shared laughter, tears and food…the greatest gifts of all. You cuddled with your daughter during those movies while being silly and creating memories. You also let her just be to enjoy her space without being rushed off somewhere. You enjoyed your home and welcomed people in it… Ummm isn’t that living anyway??!'”
I had forgotten that I worked incredibly hard before the holidays and needed to recover.
I had forgotten you only heal when you sleep and that sleeping is absolutely ok.
I had forgotten that spending quality time doesn’t have to be a planned event or something extravagant.
I had forgotten that resting isn’t about being weak, it’s about making the best decisions for you, your body and your mental health.
I had forgotten that in listening to your body and making the best decisions for you means you are building a better and stronger you…
I had forgotten that even though I am in a lupus flare, I am the strongest I have ever been since becoming ill. Not because I push myself but because I am strong enough to listen to my body and say no when needed.