There are times when I do not recognize this woman.   She stands there exuding self empowerment.   She walks with her head high in confidence , high self- esteem and  regard.  Her aura emanates self love, self -worth and strong independence.  She loves others deep and openly.  She is loyal and kind.   She puts others before herself in times of need. She is respectful and reliable.  She is resilient and takes all of life’s lessons and learns from them.  She is fun and inspiring.  She tries to live her life to the fullest.  Everything about her is beautiful.  

She is always there in the background.  Even during my lowest points, she’s there waiting to kick my ass in gear.  She allows pity parties for a few days and then she encourages self-care but recognizes the difference between self care, fear and lack of motivation. She will not stand for self loathing for very long. She allows the “licking of wounds to self heal” but she’s waiting in the shadows to encourage the live anyway philosophy.  

Conversations with her can be difficult… 

Low Me:  I’m in so much pain. I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t fight anymore. I’m just going to give in and let the diseases take over.

Fierce me :  Excuse Me?  You will do no such thing.  Being sick sucks. The pain sucks … I get it. But I’ve allowed you your little  pity party … now get up off your ass, dry your tears, straighten your crown and get your shit together.  Your daughter needs you, your mother needs you and I need you to keep fighting because I’m bored with this self loathing bullshit.

Low Me: BUT I’m tired…I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of pushing. I’m tired of being poked and prodded. I’m tired of all the medical treatments. Im tired of all of the medical appointments. I’m just down to the bone tired.

Fierce me: Listen, you’re in your mid 40s, a mother and a  child protection worker for CAS, you would be tired regardless.  So you can either be tired from regular life or you can be tired from fighting and choosing to enjoy your life. Only you can create your own happiness. If you give up … the diseases win.  They want you to be weak. They want you to doubt yourself. They want you to quit so they can take over all of your being and not just your body. They will enmesh in all of you, the physical, the mentally, the emotional and eventually  torture you until they end your life …* her voice gets louder*  And BITCH ! I’m not having any of that shit … I have worked too damn hard to not live, love and laugh!

And so I get up.  I fix my crown. Not because I’m strong but because I just threatened myself and that’s some scary shit …  😉🤣

You are brave

You are strong 

You can do this 

AND 

You can live anyway … 

Keep fighting…