The Big 45 is around the corner. I usually do some self-evaluation and self-reflection on the heavy birthdays. AND in that I evaluate my relationships. The good, the bad and the “put that toxic waste in a bin and throw that shit out” kinda relationships.

Relationships are tricky. We love people and we hate those same people. Sometimes either emotion is experienced for a short period or a life time. I believe once you love anyone … they leave an imprint on your soul forever.

We have all sorts of relationships. Family, we see regularly or once a year. Friendships, where we speak everyday but only get together once every few months.

We have party friends, shopping friends, close friends, gossip friends and then our Go To’s. Our Go to’s are the friends that have your back no matter what. They never abandon you nor you them. They put their own shit aside to be there for you during those times that could easily destroy you. They are your “put your drunk ass to bed and clean up your puke friends. To the crying because of good news that your RA may not cripple you type of friends”.

We have our work friends and our family, who we are friends with. We also have those where we’d love to be good friends but time or life doesn’t allow it. AND… We have those relationships where we love them immensely but can’t stand them after 30 mins and need a break but would drop everything to be there for them when they are in need.

I use to really judge my mother and my brother when I was younger. Both had a huge circle of friends and as they got older that circle became smaller and smaller. I thought they turned into antisocial hermits.

I now know why. As you get older only the real relationships, the authentic, honest and transparent relationships stay current. They are the people who genuinely love you. There is no hidden agenda. There is no gossiping behind your back… They talk to you and express real feelings …They take YOU as you are and they are themselves with you. There’s no judgement or consequences. There is no acting. There is no pretending.

BUT I also believe all relationships happen for a reason. Every relationship, every engagement has a purpose .

I’m tired of bullshit relationships and people. I’m too old for the drama, and the back stabbing. The disappointments of being let down. I need peace. Not just because I’m sick but because I have less than half my life left and I want to be surrounded with people who want to laugh, love and live this life with me, authentically. I want an imprint of good happy memories in my heart and soul when I take my final resting place.

I want to be around family and friends that love my kid and want their own relationship with her. I want to be around those who uplift me and cheer me on, who believe in me and are excited for me when I’ve made small and sufficient gains. I want to be surrounded by those who try to sympathize with me and my diseases and who care when I’m not well.

I know that I cannot expect those to treat me exactly how I treat them but I can implement boundaries. I have choices. I can choose who enters and stays in my life.

I also acknowledge that being friends with someone suffering with a chronic illness is not easy nor is it easy to be MY friend. Even without the illnesses I’m complex. I’m raw. I put myself first unless you need me. I call you out on your shit regardless of what it is. I am always truthful even though the truth is hard to swallow. I’m loud, abnoixous, high-strung, and immature as hell. I’m a survivor of poverty, sexual abuse, parental domestic abuse, father abandonment …..and now a fighter/survivor of Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthitis. I come with baggage and I am open with it. I’m no longer hiding who I am or my diseases nor do I try to make others feel good by lessoning my pain.

I am a genuine loving person. I put my loved ones before myself, always. I save strangers lives regardless of the danger it may put me in. I love the human race and will always fight for the underprivileged. I hold my loved ones hands until life has left them. I hold hands strong while someone is crying or laughing or just trying to be the best they can be. I encourage people to live and use laughter as a medicine for everything and I love all of them even when they break my heart. I am forgiving but I do not tolerate abuse or mistreatment.

This is Me. I am not perfect nor do I expect anyone else to be.

I have many years of self work to do… And as I am striving to continue to move forward and self-evolve, I am living my best life.

The truth is… Any relationship is difficult. You have to decide which ones are worth holding onto and also be thankful for those you have to let go of. I am very grateful for everyone who I have crossed paths with. Without them I would not learn and I wouldn’t evolve to who I am now.

AND even though every great milestone birthday, comes with seasons changing and relationships changing, I do not regret any conversational exchange, or any short or long term relationship. All of them have given me the insight to be my authentic self.

Live your best life. You truly only have one.

Keep fighting oxox