Written on January 12, 2017

It’s very easy to give in.  It takes no effort at all to give into any weakness of any kind.  How many times have you given into some desire or trigger?  How hard is it to take a stance, strengthen your backbone and use self-discipline?  It’s tough as hell.    Sometimes it’s the greatest challenge one may face in life.  It feels near impossible at times to fight back.

Just this morning I woke up with the shakes and slight dizziness.  This usually means that I have not rested enough, my muscles and joints are screaming “go back to bed!!”.  Usually it goes away within a few minutes but it lingered for several hours this morning.   During my  infusion orientation (IV therapy) , the nurse explained, “ if you suffer from chronic fatigue, this  kind of fatigue will make that look easy and you might get dizzy\light-headed”.    So.. I have been  very tired.  Bone ass tired but this light-headed symptom is new.  Now…  I could have easily called in sick to work  but I chose not too.   “You’re not wining today Ms. RA”, I thought to myself.     

 I make myself go to work everyday.   I see it as motivation, one of my drives to fight my RA.   It took me 3.5 hours to walk through the office doors today.   I took a shower and  rested a little;  I brushed my teeth, put on my moisturizer and rested a little,  I did my make up and  rested a little more….  “I think you get the point”.    3.5 hours !! …That’s what it took me but I made it.   It was my goal for the day  and I succeeded and it felt good.   I have a great supervisor, who in the beginning (3 years ago) would say “why don’t you stay home , rest and take care of yourself”.  I would respond with ” I will when the pain is unbearable but as long as I can tolerate it, I need to get here, no matter how long it takes me.  I need to do this”. 

I refuse to allow Ms. RA and Mr. Lupus to destroy me.  Depression and suicidal ideation are significantly high for those surviving a chronic illness.  The illness overcomes you and manages your entire life.  If you allow it, it will drain you of all happiness.  The depression is at times, unbearable on its own.  BUT I fight it.  I fight it with everything that makes me happy (some of the things I’m not suppose to do; like wearing heels..I do it anyway) and that beats it back for a little while. 

What makes you happy? what motivates you?  What will give you the strength you need to push back?  My daughter and husband are my strength.    They need me to be well.   My daughter needs a mother who is mobile and present.  My disease doesn’t touch her.  It affects her life in very little way.   The only think she knows are that my hands hurt and do not function well.   I might not be able to participate in every activity with her but I am there, watching, smiling and laughing.  My husband and I are life partners and I need to be filled with life for him.  I need to live my life.. for them… for me.      Honestly, there are many times that I can’t win that day’s battle.   So I accept it on that day, and I have a pity party ( another blog to come).  However,   I DO give it my all every single fucking day.  

Ms. RA.  and I have a score board in play and I have to be one up on her at all times! *big ass grin*.

 Autoimmune diseases affect everyone differently.   You may not be able to work or sit for hours at a time or walk or even wash your hair without feeling intense pain but every and any attempt is a success because you tried and that’s all that matters.  For that one moment… you won.    Whether it’s brushing your teeth, or sitting  up watching your children play or walking outside for 5 mins, it’s a way to fight back. 

Your life has purpose; don’t allow your disease to steal it from you.  So just every so often ” get up, stand up and leave that chair empty!”.

photo credit\CNphotography