Gratitude

 

Today is infusion day and I am happy about it.  It’s taken me almost two years to appreciate this medication.  

This bag of meds would depress me every 4th week. For 3 week’s I wound pretend all was good then the dreaded 4th week would appear and BAM!!! Reality of my illness…

Today I didn’t cry or get that anxious feeling in my belly as 3pm approached.   I was happy.  Yes happy …. I have been feeling great, my long-term prognosis has changed, I’m back at yoga and pain is minimal. 

It still sucks that I have to have meds through IV or that I need meds at all but if you truly look at the situation… I’m lucky.  

I’m lucky we found a combination of meds that work.  I’m lucky that my infusion exists.  I’m lucky my benefits cover them.  Without these meds, my life would be hell all the time.  I would be cranky and nasty and in constant horrific pain… 

With these meds, I’m laughing. I’m happy, I feel good and my husband likes being around me.  My quality of life is wonderful.   I’m not scaring anyone or biting anyone’s head off. 

Now I’m not delusional … There will be lows and I will still have a life of pain however the fake show that I put on for others is not featured as frequently and there are many intermissions now.   I am finally me.  

I haven’t been me since 2013 and now I feel like I can be.  I am free to be me.  I am not covering up my fears or heartache through fake laughter.   I am just me…All of me… (Well to be honest there is the hormonal me…and she’s not fun at all but we can’t blame Ms. RA for that can we??)

So my bag of medicine, my infusion… Gratitude is what I feel for you now… I am no longer angry nor resentful.   I am appreciative.  

I am living my best life… 

Keep fighting for yours…

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