I am not terrified of covid but I am terrified of how Lupus and RA will respond to it.

I am not terrified of fighting these diseases but I am terrified of relapsing.

I fight hard every day. I do what I need to be well, and it’s a struggle but relapsing terrifies me. A relapse means I have to start all over from the beginning. New meds, new routine, and no yoga.

I am not terrified of becoming immobile – I’ll just bling the shit out of all my aids. BUT, I am afraid that my family will be burdened by me. My husband and child will be affected greatly. Will they dread and resent me?-

I am terrified that I will lose my independence. I am terrified of losing my physical strength and my mental strength because of it. The brain fog is already starting to show in my speech and my writing skills. Will it trigger an early stage of dementia or Alzheimer’s? Will I ever come out of this fog ?

I am terrified that the deformities will not be easy to continue to hide. I am already seeing turning up of the toes , curving of the fingers and smaller toes. Knuckles in the hands are starting to grow and deform. How will I be able to continue to look in the mirror and still see my worth and beauty? Will the diseases take that too ?

I am not terrified of dying from Lupus or RA but I am terrified of the torture that I am at risk for until that day. The pain is unbearable at times and comes everyday now.

I am not terrified of having less energy but I am terrified of the energy I had before the pandemic, not returning. The exhaustion is overbearing. It doesn’t matter how much I rest – a few days or several weeks, I wake up the same – overly exhausted and dreading the day. And so I am terrified that one morning I will not have the energy to fight back anymore, and I’ll just succumb to it all… give in and give up…

I am terrified that this world that I leave my daughter in, will continue to be dark and hateful. I am terrified that human kindness will be at all time low and this will affect how we live together in this world. I am terrified the hate will be stronger than love.

So yes.. I am terrified but not of covid.

In saying all of that ~ I am still hopeful. I am still fighting. All the things, including these diseases. I maybe down but I am not out. I know that am I worthy of a life full of independence, love and kindness. AND I am strong enough to continue to spread love and kindness to others.

In order to see the light and be the light, you must acknowledge the darkness.

So I acknowledge mine and continue to laugh, love, live And fight it all… anyway…