*please excuse errors n typos. Written on iPhone notes in movie parking lot*
I went to the movies alone. No hubby, no kid, no parent, no friend… Absolutely no one and I loved it! This freaked some people the fuck out! “You’re going to the movies BY YOURSELF?! Damn skippy I am.
See .. I love myself. If I could be friends with myself, I would (technically I am) I would totally date myself, if I could. Now you may think I’m conceited…Nope …I have flaws …huuuuge ones but I kinda think I’m awesome. It took me along time to get there. Two all inclusive trips… travelled alone in fact. Plus also living alone for 4 years helped.
In my late twenties I discovered that I hated myself and my life story. All of my schooling; psychological theories that I had learned in college started to make sense and made me look at my own life. I didn’t love myself and was basing all my decisions on what others needed. I couldn’t even be alone in my own skin. So I forced myself to spend time alone, away from my community. Where I couldn’t reach out to anyone and where I had to hear and face my own thoughts. Through these little journey’s I learned to be alone and be ok with it. I fell in love with myself. All the good, all the bad and the ugly… I accepted. It was one of the most exhilarating experiences in my life.
Now…. I’m heading towards my mid-forties.. I have Mr. Lupus and Mrs. RA attached to me 24/7. These diseases are like fuck’n dogs. Stray dogs that follow your every single move and bark if by chance you get away (forget their existence) for a few steps. Plus I hear “momma” five hundred million times a day. Even when her father is sitting right beside her. “Babe” is called at least 25 hundred million times. The phone dings, emails and calls from your elderly mother that can’t hear shit so you repeat yourself so often, you begin to hate the sound of your own voice.
My career is in the line of “everybody wants something from you” or “everybody wants you to fix their kids and their family”…. and when you can’t do it or you provide sound advice that they didn’t follow and shit blew up…you’re to blame. You mostly hear negative shit all day… everyday … Its exhausting. Its depressing and it overbearing to even the strongest of people.
You need a break. A break from everyone and everything. The silence you were once afraid of … is amazing !!!! It’s like having the greatest orgasm after not getting any for a long time. A break is a self date.. get dressed up and go out alone. By yourself. You can eat hot food. You can drink at the speed you want. You can even pee by yourself and not hold it …There’s no one you have to impress or hear. It’s fucking lovely!!! And no pressure to put out.
I woke up this morning in pain. It’s been 3 days … no give. My hands are a mess. I’m dropping things … I’m slow. They ache and lightening pains shoot threw them. I had a break down in the kitchen with my man cause the pain was unbearable and in that moment I wished I wasn’t myself. Sooo…I dressed up and I did a few things for people I love and then I bought my ticket. Cineplex VIP bitches!!!…and off I went. I ordered wine, nachos with chicken and Guac (gots to go glam) and some popcorn. I spilled my drink all down the seat and all down the side of my shorts…meh…I just used my eyeglass cloth and wiped it up. I dropped my popcorn on the floor… all of it. Not one fucking kernel was left in that bucket… I just shrugged it off.. No need to freak. “Not on MY date”. I watched the movie and had a grand ole time with myself, by myself for myself.
Now is all perfect and rays of sunshine??… NO. Life is not all roses and cupcakes BUT for a few hours I got to hear myself with no interruptions and I got to love myself in-spite of the barriers that life and these autoimmune diseases can put in my path…
When’s your self date ?