Today is another infusion day. I am sitting at my desk as we speak, feeling the anxiety approaching. What if they can’t find a good vein? How many times will I be pricked? It took 3 tries, last time. Not the nurses fault – my veins suck. “ I hate bruises” * in a childlike voice* I feel like a sponge. Prick, prick , prick… “Hide your skin!! Hide your veins!! They’re coming for your blood”. I’d wish they’d come take the fat.
Enjoy your weekend. Do something that makes you smile!!!
Not in million years would I have thought that I would be sitting in a clinic with an IV in my arm, about to receive my biologic medication. Not once in my young adulthood did I think an illness or disease would interfere or interrupt my life.
What young adult at the ripe age of 25 looking ahead towards their future thinks …. Autoimmune diseases??? At that age I loved shoes, dancing, men and travel. At that age I knew that I would be renting an apartment and hustling to make ends meet.
Never in a million years ..Autoimmune diseases.. HTF (How the Fuck) did I end up here??
I have RA. I’m 42 years old with severe progressive rheumatoid arthritis. My body is at war with itself and my insides are of an 80 year old.. Sexy huh? I PRETEND a lot.. I pretend that I’m not terrified or alone or that this disease and its friend Lupus haven’t ruined some of my best attributes and ambitions. I pretend that I am fine. Isn’t that what we do? As humans we lie to our loved ones to protect them and to protect ourselves from the pain that the truth brings. So I pretend for my daughter, my husband, all of those around me and even those who don’t even know me.. but mainly for myself. I pretend and lie that I am fine and have no fear of what these diseases will take from me next. I’m a wonderful actress for I have fooled many…..
So after fighting for 3 long years against “these” medications, I give in and now awaiting for the first infusion (IV therapy). I pray that this medication will give me some time. RA steals your time. It gnaws at you first thing in the morning and intensifies as the day goes on. By the evening you have no energy, no pleasant personality and no desire to enjoy “your” time. It may have come across as though I am giving in or have let these diseases win… not fucking likely… I am a fighter. I fight every day from the moment my eyes open to the moment they close for rest. I love my life and I refuse to have all of it stolen from me…
I have mentioned on my social media account that I would be blogging. I’m almost ready… so very exciting..